When representing a family and individual who has a spinal cord injury it is inevitable that we are seen as a confidante or guide, so quite personal questions like this are not uncommon and usually come from a family member.
We are not cupid experts but from the work we do and the charities we work with, we have picked up some useful insight. And, not to blow our own trumpet, the team has some experience of the dating game too. It is awkward, embarrassing and sometimes heart-breaking but to find someone special you have to put yourself in harm’s way.
When to start dating after a spinal cord injury is a complicated question. There is no easy answer, but it is worth remembering that spinal cord injured people face the same challenge as everyone else. Universally it comes down to finding a person who is your type and who can see beneath the surface and love you for who you are – and the only way to get there is to start dating!
Of course, dating can get even more complicated with a spinal cord injury but it is an important part of living – all the emotions (good and bad) that go with meeting some one new and make you feel alive.
While the question of ‘when to start dating?’ is hard to answer; ‘how to start dating?’ is a little more straightforward in the age of the ‘information superhighway’. Dating and networking websites make it easier to match interests, backgrounds, sense of humour, circumstances and attitudes. They make it simpler to communicate. You cannot avoid the first date nerves but the internet approach means you can take your time and get some of the awkwardness out of the way.
Dating websites give you the opportunity to message, email and video chat, which can be useful to test the water and slowly broach the practicalities of a spinal cord injury. We are not saying that it is a good time to start discussing bowl, bladder and sexual function, but being able to communicate the completeness of a spinal cord injury and how that impacts on daily life will help gauge acceptance before a first date.
We have highlighted some dating websites below but there are plenty out there to suit all tastes. The best approach is to do some research, ask for recommendations and choose a couple that suit best.
Disabled Passions is a dating and social networking site for disabled singles. One of the strengths of this site is that it is also a social network with the opportunity to get to know lots of people in a supportive forum, which means there is no pressure to take things to the next level.
Disability Match is one of the UK’s biggest dating websites for anyone with a disability and is also open to people without a disability, which means there are more fish in the sea.
Enable Dating is exclusively for disabled people. It is a UK-based website that has good safety systems, such as secure emailing, a function to block unwanted attention, and a 24-hour help feature.
Do not be intimidated by the mainstream dating websites that cater for all genders, sexuality and ability. Match.com, eHarmony, and OkCupid can provide access to a huge dating community that increases the odds of finding someone. The websites will not always give a person the chance to deal with the question of disability sensitively and meaningfully within a personal profile, and whether to disclose a spinal cord injury immediately or after contact is a decision that will need careful thought.
When it comes to dating and especially online dating there are a few more things to consider…
Safety is extremely important. Read all the safety advice provided by the dating websites and use common sense. Do not reveal personal contact details or swap any financial information. Use a nickname and the dating website’s messaging services to communicate and always stay in control. When you finally do want to meet someone in person, make sure it is in a public place that is familiar to you both, and get there and back under your own steam.
Do not sell yourself short. It is important to remember that you do not need to settle with just anybody or the first person to message you. Everyone who tries online dating encounters others who are more interested in dating as a vanguard to sex and certainly spinal cord injured users risk attracting people with a wheelchair fetish or devoteeism. But by being patient and gradual, you will find someone to match your personality – and not your disability. The process is as much about finding out who you are, as well as other people.
Do not stop once you have started. The first response to the strong emotions associated with dating can be to withdraw and isolate but this will lead to a loss of confidence, which will make dating even more difficult. Everyone, with a disability or not, has to cope with rejection. Try to remain positive and remember that things will happen when you least expect it.
Do not rule out the good old fashioned way. A spinal cord injury does not make it any easier but the more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have of finding a partner. So, do not hang all your hopes on internet dating. Get out and meet other people. Join groups and associations, take up a sport or hobby, and go to gigs, theatre and other events. Build your self-confidence as much as possible, because confidence is attractive.
Birchall Blackburn Law has more than 60 years experience supporting adults and children who have experienced serious injuries.
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